Insecurities

Opening prayer for YOU:
Please God, help whoever is reading this article to feel secure in your love. Please help them understand that they can reach out to you and speak to you at anytime. Please bless their day and surround them with your presence. Please help them know how much you love them, even though they may be struggling or unhappy with themselves.

One of my friends recently expressed to me some of her insecurities about her appearance. The conversation reminded me of myself a few years ago. My appearance, especially my imperfections and my size, were almost always on my mind. I often looked at other girls and felt jealous of their appearance and I would compare myself to them or wish that I looked more like them. I felt unhappy with myself and I never felt 'ok' or good enough. Although I was striving for 'beauty', what I truly desired was to feel accepted. I wanted to be released from the cycle of trying harder to look like other 'more beautiful' girls but, after every attempt to change my self, being left still feeling unhappy and dissatisfied.

Jesus Christ removed me from the cycle of insecurity in which I was stuck. I still have times when I feel unhappy with myself, or when I base my value and self-worth off things that are of this world, but deep down, I know that Jesus loves me anyway even with all my insecurity and imperfections. His love makes me good enough!

I have been having trouble with this the past couple days. I am in a study group at school and we often talk about our grades, not only for the class we are taking, but also the grades we received in past classes. After these conversations I am left feeling unsatisfied, sad, and lost. I feel like I am falling back into the trap of deeming my value and worth of things of this world rather than resting securely in Jesus's love. Why do I forget that it doesn't matter what grades we get on our exams and in our classes? Besides, everyone in my study group goes to class and is bright and I think that we will all do well in our classes. I think I feel insecure when we talk about grades because I start to base my self-worth off the scores. I even get worried that if I score poorly they might kick me out of the study group! In actuality, these thoughts are ridiculous. I'm feeling frustrated with this dilemma and I am going to try to speak about grades and scores less often. I will try to stop asking others about their scores and I will try to not share my past grades or scores unless someone specifically asks. I just want to let go of all the 'comparing' and enjoy my class and enjoy the time I have studying with my classmates.

Here is my prayer for today:

Please Jesus Christ, take away my insecurities. Please replace them with my confident hope in one day being with you in your embrace, and help me rest in the security of your endless love. You see me as whole and your value of me comes from my place as your daughter. Please help me feel confident and do Your will God. Today I will set behind the value that the world gives me, value based on looks, exam scores, charm, and success, and instead I will let You determine my worth and value. I feel so happy to be your daughter, a princess in your eyes, and I want to glorify you with my presence on this earth. Thank you for having patience with me. My heart and life are yours. 

And here is a link to an inspirational article about how to trust God:
http://tirzahmag.com/2014/04/28/sincerely-trust-god/

God's love runs deeper than religious differences

I struggle with the strict rules of Christianity and the concept that nonbelievers are excluded from heaven. It just does not make sense to me. I feel like the people who have explained these concepts to me have my best interests at heart and want to be helpful to me in understanding the word of God. But the idea that Christianity is the one and only 'right' religion and the only truth has caused me to have a lot of doubts about God's goodness and His love. A loving God forgives everyone, even those who do not trust Him or do not believe. He loves them anyways, just as He loves us even when our faith falters. Jesus said 'love your enemy' and I believe that God loves those who outright hate Him and recognizes them as His children too.

I believe that everyone's relationship with God, as well as the way that He chooses to work in each person's life, is unique. I developed faith in God and in His love, forgiveness, grace and mercy when I learned that God looks at the qualities of our heart.  I found this verse in Kylie Bisutti's book I'm No Angel, "Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts." (1 Thessalonians 2:4 NLT) God alone has been with us for all of our existence. He alone sees the deep and complex struggles and motives of our hearts, and it is up to God to judge us, NOT people.



There are so many people who do horrible things in the "name of God". There are also people who are amazing parents, wives, husbands, and children who spread love and kindness to the world without ever giving a thought about God. To me, it doesn't seem like it should matter whether someone chooses to be a different religion than you or whether or not they say they believe in God. What matters is that God already loves them and nothing they do or don't do will make God love them any more or less. I did not feel God's grace until I realized that He loves me unconditionally.

God knows and loves the real you and His forgiveness and mercy makes you good enough. God might not work in someone else's heart the way He works in mine and that is His choice and it is not for me to tell someone that their religion or way of life is any less than mine. I am so thankful for Christ and for His sacrifice and He is my role model. And just as Christ loved sinners, nonbelievers, and everyone He met, as a follower of Christ I hope I can someday do the same. I hope I can see past the exterior identities that people have such as their looks, gender, religion, and lifestyle and grow closer to their hearts though the love that Christ has shown to me.

How to get beautiful skin and hair

When I keep my skin bright and clean I feel more radiant and confident. There are lots of skin products out there and it can be really overwhelming to try to determine which product works best for you. My skin tends to be on the oily side and sometimes I get breakouts around my mouth and chin. My go-to skin care routine is just soap and water once a day (usually before I go to bed). I have tried a few products though, and I want to recommend them because they have helped my skin stay clear.


One of my friends who has the softest, clearest skin and no wrinkles is over 30 years old. When I asked her how she does not get wrinkles and keeps her skin looking so beautiful she gave me 2 pieces of advice.
1. Wear sunscreen on your face every day, even in the winter.
2. When she was a child she would often dab a little bit of her mom's eye anti-wrinkle cream around her eyes.

My friend is from Korea and she told me that in Korea most girls and women always wear sunscreen and that is part of the reason they appear to be ageless. I think this is great advice and I started using sunscreen last year. I also recently bought Desert Essence Gentle Nourishing Eye Cream. I found mine at Ross. I dab a little around my eyes and mouth every morning! It seems crazy but my skin actually feels tighter and healthier and I hope this is a good way to prevent skin damage in the future. I also use a very nourishing lotion on my face: Jason Soothing 84% Aloe Vera Mousturizing Creme. I bought it at Fred Meyers but any store with a "Natural" section should carry it. My skin can be dry and greasy at the same time (ew) but this lotion seems to work well.

 

Lastly, I think that the biggest determinant of skin health and blemishes is the food we eat. Here is a photo of the foods that I try to eat regularly and the ones that have the most astonishing effect are avocado, oranges, and spinach. Also, I recommend drinking water and sweating daily to keep your skin hydrated and clear.        

Apple Cider Vinegar, apples, orange, lemon, avocado and spinach.

           

HAIR:

Hair: My hair used to be really dry and frizzy. I started using Matrix Biolage Smoothing Shampoo/Conditioner. It is pretty expensive ($20/bottle) but Ross sometimes has deals and I think that it is worth the price if you are stuggling with frizzy hair. Since I started using this shampoo my hair has become shinier and softer! I put Biolage Exquisite Oil in my hair after showering which adds shine. Today I curled it and sprayed it with Aussie Sprunch hair spray which holds my hair in place without making it hard or sticky.

  
I'm sorry that these products tend to be on the more expensive end but I think they are worth the money, especially because you won't have to use as much concealer or powder with clearer skin! I think that health, as well as nice skin and hair, starts with what we eat and drink. If you just want to try an inexpensive change and see if your skin looks healthier I would start with adding some of the fruits and veggies I mentioned into your diet. If you try any of these products let me know what you think. I hope this is helpful (:

The Most Important Question to Ask Yourself Today

This article tells us to ask ourselves: "What pain do I want today?" I recommend reading it!!! The article states that everybody wants to have happy easy life, financial security, great relationships, a healthy body and to be well-respected, but not everybody is willing to work for it. The author challenges us to NOT ask ourselves "what pleasure do I want to day?" but rather, "what pain do I want today?". I will not obtain a healthy body without enjoying the soreness and pain of exercise and enjoying my ability to choose to eat healthy foods. I will not have a great relationship without being able to endure the conflicts, emotional drama, and hurt feelings it takes to get there. If I don't choose to endure the struggle, I will never achieve my 'dream life' because it won't be worth it.

This article made me think about all the times in my life where my head is full of "not knowing." I don't know what career I will have, I don't know who I will end up with romantically, I don't know if I will be satisfied or if I will die with integrity. I don't know if I will have children or if I will be alive tomorrow. But even though I don't know if any of my dreams will come true, I enjoy working towards them. I like looking back over time to see how my relationships have changed, how my outlook on life has changed, and how my career interests develop over time. Luckily, even though we are often filled with uncertainty, most of us have the choice about what pain we want to endure today in order to fall asleep at night with hope for a better tomorrow. I hope that you can find enjoyment in the struggles that will lead you to your dream. Whether it be pulling weeds today so that your garden will one day flourish or taking the chance of embarrassing yourself by performing a public romantic gesture to your crush and facing the possibility of rejection, I hope that you have the strength to endure the pain that it will take to move towards your goals as well as the insight/ability to form your own 'dream life'. Your 'dream life' might not be to become the stereotypical rich/beautiful/baller person but rather something completely different. I hope that you can enjoy the process and difficulty of becoming the person that you dream!
                                          
To be honest I can be pretty lazy. I often don't work hard or I leave things until the last minute but I always make time for the activities I love! I'm going to try to look at my daily and long term goals differently, and try to be honest with myself about who I am and what I am willing to work for. What are some things that you think are worth the pain it takes to get there?

^ He's hard at work building his relationship with Lafawnda hahahaha

Future Goals

I just watched the first episode of a show called "Call of the Midwife" which my aunt recommended to me. I was surprised that I liked the show because it depicts the intensity of birth and the responsibility of the midwife in assisting with childbirth. I usually prefer to watch light shows that are comedies or romance. I think that I enjoy the Call of the Midwife because I love children and babies and I think that childbirth is a miracle.

A couple months ago I felt a calling to be a nurse but, after shadowing a couple nurses at the hospital and taking a Nurse Assistant course, it did not seem quite right. I think that health starts in the home and, when I am at the hospital, I feel like I am at a factory. I think I am meant to do a demanding job, but I would prefer to be working with the same person  over time rather than just during 1 shift. I want to develop a relationship with the people I assist and help them with healthcare at their home. I want to be a midwife. I am unsure about being called in the middle of the night or about complications during a birth, but I think that I have the strength and emotional and mental skills to do this job.

I just looked at a program where I could obtain my nursing degree and master's in midwifery in a dual program at OHSU. This school is close to my home and my dream is to become accepted to and complete this program. I can't wait! I often get confused about where I am going in life and what career I would like. My dream job while I was growing up was to become a mom. Although I am not a mom, becoming a midwife seems like a great way to fulfill my dream and help other women become moms. I know that I will be so excited for each expecting mother I assist!

Click here to see the program that I am going to apply to!

My Interests - 2 videos that make me happy

Today I don't have much to share, just a song:

And a tribute to one of my favorite shows, Northern Exposure :

Courage

Overcoming insecurity:

I used to be a shy, quiet girl, except when I was surrounded by my family or close friends who I felt comfortable with. I was afraid that no one else wanted to hear what I had to say, that I would offend someone or hurt someone's feelings, or that the world would not like me. Two jobs that have helped me overcome my shyness and anxiety are teaching group exercise classes and working for 2 years as a college RA. Both these jobs forced me to speak to large groups of people weekly, and eventually it became more natural. I learned that most people forget what you say by the following day (so it's ok if you mess up). What tends to be more memorable is the feeling and intention behind my words. Also, I have found that most of the time the way that people treat you tends to have more to do with their mood and what is happening in their life than about their attitude toward you. If someone doesn't say hi back to you or ignores you, it is most likely because they are having a bad day. I still sometimes worry about what I say and how the world perceives me. When I remember that God's love and value of me is more honest and meaningful than the world's perception of me, I feel safer and my anxiety tends to diminish.

 

Here is one of my favorite quotes that my best friend shared with me:

"Courage is not about breaking the rules to prove to others that you can do exactly what you want. It is not about inviting suffering into your life either, just so everyone can see your unflinching devotion to God. Having courage is not a question of accepting everything that happens passively. To have courage does not mean shrugging your shoulders or sighing, 'What can I do? It's my karma.'

On the contrary, having courage means engaging in every single situation as a blessing from God, as a loving gesture of nature. Courage means rising to meet the demands of each moment with total delight, knowing you are equal to it. Courage means having faith that within you is an innate force whose essence is never depleted by external events. Live your life courageously, dharmically, knowing that whatever you are faced with is not stronger than you are. You are equal to each other. Your problem is not greater than you are, nor is it smaller. "

Sometimes when I am feeling down, insecure, or sad, I forget that this very moment is a blessing. At times when we feel completely alone, misunderstood, or excluded, we can remember that God understands us. God loves us and wants us here. Day 6 of the Master's Makeover states that "true security doesn't have anything to do with our own talents or accomplishments. It has to do with knowing who we are in God's eyes. When we rest in God's love, we're reminded that He is enough for us. When we let our hearts be filled with His love, we can finally relax. We're secure - free from the need to prove anything. [...] You are secure in God's love."

Just look outside! Do you stumble upon the scent of a lilac or get to see an amazing sunrise on your walk to work. I think these moments are little gifts from nature/God to remind us how much we are loved. Even if no one else in your life takes the time to give you a gift or tell you they love you, God doesn't forget about you.

Even at moments when I feel like no one understands me I am not truly alone because God understands me completely and will always lend a listening ear. All my hopes, desires, questions, flaws, and mistakes are safe with God and I know that He will love me no matter what.  

Why Wait to have sex?

I wait because I want to have sex for reasons that feel right to me. I have been sexually and emotionally attracted to and liked many boys and men but this feeling has not been due to love. It has been due to outward appearance, charm, compliments, flirtation, and intrigue. The problem with words and appearance is that these are only the surface of a human being. There are other things that are more important to me in a partnership. What is important to me is that I am friends with someone and that they love me like God does. What I mean by this is that I engage in a relationship with someone who listens to and respects me, makes me feel better when I am sad, forgives me when I mess up, and supports me as I try to grow and become a better human being. In this way we can deepen our relationship with each other and with God.

I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with a man that I dated last year. He told me he was crazy about me and that I was special, so pretty, sweet, and that he just couldn't stop looking at me. Whenever I was near him I was overwhelmed with desire, a desire to have sex with him and be close to him (emotionally and physically). But, strangely, I also felt insecure around him. This was my first relationship and I was left disappointed, hurt, confused, and sad. Several months later I tried to love again but this time the relationship did not last because of our differing views on the meaning of sex and its role in a relationship. Once again I was hurt and alone. What I didn't realize at the time, was that God was giving me the opportunity to stand strong in my morals and become more sure of who I am. I received wonderful advice about the importance of waiting to have sex from my cousin who is about to get married to a man who has shown strong commitment, love and understanding towards her. I am also strengthened by The Five Mindfulness Trainings which are Buddhist teachings to help guide us through life. The mindfulness training on True Love reaffirms what I believe:

"Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I am committed to cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society. Knowing that sexual desire is not love, and that sexual activity motivated by craving always harms myself as well as others, I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without true love and a deep, long-term commitment made known to my family and friends. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct. Seeing that body and mind are one, I am committed to learning appropriate ways to take care of my sexual energy and cultivating loving kindness, compassion, joy and inclusiveness – which are the four basic elements of true love – for my greater happiness and the greater happiness of others. Practicing true love, we know that we will continue beautifully into the future."

When I shared this training with the first man that I dated, he told me that it is more important to follow our heart's desires than religious teachings. At the time, I trusted him and did not read the mindfulness trainings again for many months. But our heart can be deceiving, and I now know that religious teachings can help protect and strengthen us in moments of confusion and insecurity. I know that the only being that loves us always and unconditionally is God. That is why I am now trying to please God rather than the world. I want to be with someone who thinks I am worthwhile and respects me, my morals, has patience and is proud of me. I am trying to grow as a person and deepen my relationship with God by learning to pray and trying to pray more often. I want to become a more wholesome person and be honest in order to meet others who make me feel happy, see me for who I am, and are able to see beyond the exterior to the real. I think that knowing a man who wants to be with you, not for his own pleasure, but in order to grow together and live more fulfilling, happy lives because you are together, will feel right and will generate a relationship that is supported by God.

Here is a link to some words from Buddhist Sister Chan Khong Cao about the difference between perception and reality with regards to getting to know someone. Go to the link and click on "Watch Preview":

http://www.gaiamtv.com/video/life-reality-learning-true-love-sister-chan-khong-cao-np

Lastly, if you are in a relationship that may have become stagnant or sour, "Beginning Anew" is a Buddhist process to understand and deepen a relationship as well as resolve conflict. I like to use this process when I have conflict with family or friends: Beginning Anew!

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting" Proverbs 28

What is most important to you in a relationship?

What helps you makes decisions in times of confusion or struggle?

Books, blogs and vlogs

Here are some books, blogs, and vlogs, that inspire me and help me feel positive:

Books:
Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli
Tales from the Secret Annex by Anne Frank
I'm No Angel by Kylie Bisutti
I'm currently reading The Education of Little Tree, a true story by Forrest Carter (:

It's Judy's Life (a wonderful family): http://www.youtube.com/user/itsJudysLife

Superwoman (a link to her confidence video):
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42SZoVB0MfY

My friend's health/wellness tumblr: http://cushinforthepushn.tumblr.com/

Kylie Bisutti's Blog:  http://www.imnoangel.org/
The Mindy Project ^_^ (my sister recommended this show):
 http://www.hulu.com/the-mindy-project

My favorite ways to renew my heart are reading books and having conversations/spending time with mentors, family, and friends who inspire me, accept me, and make me happy.

Please let me know if you have any other suggestions ^_^

Renewing My Heart

I just read the book "I'm No Angel" by Kylie Bisutti. This book has inspired me to work on my inner beauty. I have spent countless hours over the past years working hard to maintain/lose weight, do my makeup and hair more like pictures in a magazine, be more charming/flirtatious in order to please boys, debate about which picture to make my facebook profile picture, and look in the mirror and wonder if I am beautiful enough. I know this seems petty and shallow, but it is very confusing to know what is important, valuable, and will make me happy, when I am surrounded by images and media that contain thousands of photos of thin, beautiful, photo-shopped women.

After finishing this book I began to realize that this "ideal" woman that I thought I was supposed to be is only an illusion, a fantasy. I don't want to be a fantasy. I am a real girl with thoughts, emotions, and the ability to love, understand, feel disappointed and hurt, change, and grow. I know that many women and girls suffer from low self-esteem and negative body or self-image and this can lead to harmful behaviors such as eating disorders. There have been times in my life when I would not allow myself to eat and I would compulsively exercise. I would base my mood off of whether I had lost weight and give my value and self-worth to others' as I listened on edge to their comments about my size and appearance. I have heard other girls talk about their eating disorders in a support group and it is painful to hear their stories about bulimia (causing one's self to throw up after eating) and mutilation and hate of their bodies. I don't think that it is ok for the media to create the expectation for women to be sexualized and reduced to an image that is not even real or accurate.

I have begun a journey to work on my heart. I have spent enough time over the years working on my outward appearance and it has not made my life any more fulfilling, led me to the right guy, or made me happy. After learning more about God's love and purpose for me through Kylie's book, I have gained the desire to try to be beautiful in God's eyes. I want to become less judgemental of others and of myself. I want to become a better listener. When I have the desire to tell someone how I feel, or do a random act of kindness, I don't want "social norms" to hold me back. We each have a purpose and we can learn what is right from people who inspire us, spending time alone to listen to our conscious, reading religious and non-religious texts that are uplifting, listening to music that does not disrespect our self, etc.

Today was my first day of the "Master's Makeover" to renew my heart (it is in the back of the book "I'm No Angel"). I didn't wear makeup (I like makeup, but sometimes when I wear it I feel more insecure so I chose not to wear it today). I had an honest conversation with my coworker. I had a random thought to buy a coffee drink for another coworker who was having a hard day and, after wondering if this would seem "weird", I realized that it doesn't matter what the world thinks because I feel happy when I give, and God has blessed me with a giving heart for a reason. I also went for a run.

When we follow God's path and try to do what is right in God's eyes, life is much less of a struggle and more fulfilling. The true beauty tips from Days 1 and 2 of the "Master's Makeover" are You are worthwhile to God and You have inherent value as God's child. 
Have a great day!